Some visible Americans have made news recently by adopting kids from Africa. This scenario, however, is very much the exception to the rule. Most of Africa’s 54 countries do not allow adoption, for a variety of cultural, religious, and political reasons. Even some Americans feel it is naïve and arrogant of us to think that other countries should let us adopt their children. They belong where they are, some say, and who are we to suggest that we can offer them something better?
Twenty million kids.
Most of these kids’ greatest hope is to be rescued from a life of almost certain malnutrition, illness, abuse and/or exploitation, illiteracy, and poverty by being given the opportunity to grow up in an orphanage. And those of us who think adoption of these kids is a great (if not idealistic) idea can help by means of financial support—or making the life-altering decision to go there and physically care for them.
And hope that something will change.
The person I mentioned who knows a lot about Swaziland is an American who is actually moving his family there to help take care of some of these orphans.
For a brief moment, I thought I had a brilliant idea. Remember Operation Babylift? In case you don’t, here’s the Wikipedia entry for it:
“Operation Babylift was the name given to the mass evacuation of children from South Vietnam to the United States and other countries (including, for example, Australia, France, and Canada) at the end of the Vietnam War (see also the Fall of Saigon), during April 1975. By the final American flight out of South Vietnam, over 2,000 infants and children had been evacuated. Along with Operation New Life, over 110,000 refugees were evacuated from South Vietnam at the end of the Vietnam War.”
How about another Operation Babylift, this time from Africa? Plenty of Americans (and Canadians, Australians, and Europeans) would welcome these little kids into their homes…right?
As with most great ideas, if it really were so great, someone else would have thought of it already. Turns out, it’s not that simple.
A recent UNICEF report says that the number of “AIDS orphans”—children left orphans because their parents have died from AIDS-related diseases—in sub-Saharan Africa is expected to almost double to 20 million by the year 2010.
20 million. To give that huge number some perspective, it is approximately the combined populations of the US’s six largest cities—New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Houston, Philadelphia, and Phoenix. That is a lot of kids.
Yet even that number does not represent the reality of the situation. I spoke with someone who knows a lot about Swaziland—which, along with Botswana, Lesotho, and Zimbabwe, has some of the world’s highest rates of AIDS and HIV—and this person told me that the 20 million figure is merely the number of “total” orphans. In other words, kids who have no parents, but who have an older sibling, relative, or neighbor looking after them, are not included in that figure.
Given that, the number of actual orphans is anybody’s guess.
Can anyone help these kids?
Posted on June 24th, 2008 in
International adoption | Tags:
Africa,
orphans | Author:
Lisa J. |
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This topic of adopting older children brings up a related issue: adoption by a single parent. In general, I don’t recommend single people adopting babies or small children. Babies and small children are so need-intensive that even two parents can be taxed to their limits, let alone one.
Although, again, adoption of a baby or small child by a single parent can be preferable to whatever the alternative may be. If the adoptive parent is a family friend or relative, if a relationship already exists, if the child is being rescued out of a situation worse than being raised by a single parent…then okay.
But I digress. If a person finds him- or herself in midlife or later without a child, or if he/she finds him/herself divorced or widowed with grown children, what could be a more wonderful solution for both, than for a single person to adopt an older child? I will suggest one condition, however: that the adoptive parent and the adopted child be the same gender. But again, the exception would be if a relationship already exists.
About those older kids…the ones who “age out” of the foster care system with no “forever family”….
I suggest that adopting an older child or teenager would be the perfect midlife project for a couple or single person who reaches his/her/their forties, fifties, or sixties in good health and with financial stability.
Sometimes these kids come in sibling pairs or groups. Come to think of it, it’s not so different from acquiring a set of stepchildren in midlife, is it?
Someone adopting an older child, or a pair or group of older children, can have a second family to raise after their biological kids have left home. Or someone who never had kids—who was too busy with career, or whose marriage didn’t work out, or who couldn’t have biological kids and was financially or emotionally unable to consider adoption in their younger years—what more perfect way to fill the void than to adopt a kid or two.
I read somewhere recently that only 1% of foster kids eventually get adopted.
One percent! Well, what if that’s off a bit? Okay, maybe it’s 10% or 25%—that still leaves a lot of kids who never get adopted.
And it is tragic. This means that when thousands of foster kids turn 18 and “age out” of the system, they’ve lost forever their chance to have a “real” family. They go off to college, get a job, rent an apartment…and literally overnight, they’re on their own.
Even if an 18-year-old is legally an adult, how many of us are really ready to be an adult at 18? As eager as most of us are to feel independent, isn’t it a comfort to know we can call home from college or our own apartment across town or across the country? That we have a home to call? Someone to answer our questions about cooking, laundry, finances, relationships?
These “adult” former foster kids may maintain a relationship with one or more foster families they’ve spent part of their childhood with. But that’s just not the same, is it? They’ll go through early adulthood with no home to go to for holidays, no one to walk them down the aisle at their wedding, no one for their kids to call Grandma and Grandpa.
Why can’t more of these kids get adopted? Granted, some of them may have behavioral difficulties from childhoods lost to foster care, which is sometimes loving and kind, but sometimes not, and many people would (understandably) shy away from the inherent difficulties of raising a troubled kid.
But not too long ago, I did an Internet search for adoptable older kids, mostly out of curiosity after I heard that “1%” statistic. Some of these kids clearly have special needs, yet a lot of them appear to be perfectly normal, healthy, nice kids. Kids who like animals and small children…who have friends they want to keep in touch with…who have biological siblings they want to stay close to…kids who want to go to college, become veterinarians or musicians or teachers.
What can be done for these kids?
Once the decision to adopt has been made, many more decisions will follow. One of the biggest areas of debate is whether to adopt locally (or at least within the US) or to choose an agency that would assist in adopting internationally.
Before I go any further, let me say that the choices we made were what was best for US – for our family. Choosing between international and domestic adoption is a very personal choice and should be considered carefully by each family, because it is only the family who knows what they will be able to handle.
When we first decided to adopt we thought our best bet would be international adoption for a few reasons. First off, I am a very paranoid person. There, I said it.…And as much as I would like to say that I am mature enough to handle a domestic adoption, the truth of the matter is that all adoption is downright scary. The laws in the US are just too lax for my taste. There have been cases of birth parents changing their minds and wanting to take “their” kids back even after they have relinquished their rights, or cases where the birth parents wish to have a relationship with the children they earlier gave up, known as open adoption. Now don’t get me wrong…I am all for the child finding his birthparents when the time is right. But open adoption is not something I think I could deal with; and I truly applaud families who adopt from anywhere because every child deserves a real “home”.
Another reason that international adoption worked for us was that is was a relatively fast process. I have read stories of families waiting three or more years for a domestic referral. Sure, in an international adoption all the proper paperwork needed submitted with every “i” dotted and every “t” crossed, but paperwork is generally done at the pace of the parent. Our social worker told us that she has had families complete all the necessary paperwork within three weeks of a referral. We started on the road to international adoption in October of 2006 when our agency posted photographs of children in Kyrgyzstan who were waiting to be adopted. With one glance, we knew which child was ours. I can’t explain it – as crazy and cliché as it sounds - but we knew he was the one. We were told not to get attached, but that was impossible. We were sent videos, medical reports, and updated photographs every couple of months. By February 2007 we had a court date, which we did not need to be present for. And by the end of March 2007, we were travelling across the world to pick up our son.
The uncertainties that accompany international adoption are often found in missing information and incomplete medical records. What we need to remember that women who are giving up a child are frightened. They will give false contact information, and sometimes fabricate personal info such as how old they are or even how many other children they have.
Some parents considering adoption cannot handle the fact that medical records are inadequate by Western standards. We were given the very basic information by the orphanage where our son lived (i.e., APGAR scores; head and chest measurements, any issues during birth, and vaccinations). That was it. Understandably, this takes some time getting used to, but after consultation with a good International Adoption Doc, you will have the information needed to make a sound decision that is right for you. This was the scariest aspect of the entire process; and once we were armed with all of the information we were going to receive, we took the leap of faith that led us to where we are today.
Sometimes, it’s all you can do.
I have always thought about adopting a child. It’s weird, but I thought about it from a very early age – like 12, and I always thought it would be something I would like to do. When my husband and I got married seven years ago I pushed the idea to the back of my mind. I figured that after a year or two of marriage I would have a child of my own (biologically) and then continue having children every few years until we had 3 or 4, or too many to handle, and then we would be done.
To be honest, the idea of adoption seemed to stay tucked away in my head, sleeping quietly while my husband and I began trying to have biological children. We tried for a year…and nothing. My OB/GYN thought it would be best to send me to a fertility specialist who immediately ordered a slew of drugs to be taken monthly and induce ovulation. We saw her for over a year…and nothing. We were unable to conceive on our own and would need to undergo in-vitro fertilization in order to become pregnant.
In-vitro seemed reasonable, but was outrageously expensive (about $12,000) and was not guaranteed to work. We tried anyway. Pills, nightly injections, surgery to remove the eggs growing on my ovaries, and artificial insemination of the fertilized embryo – everything the doctor recommended, we did. The results were devastating – an ectopic pregnancy in my right fallopian tube that would require surgery.
Then the wake up call came. We may never conceive on our own. My husband and I both wanted children in the worst way and were upset to learn of our fate. My husband began to try and accept the fact that we may grow old and never have any children. I, on the other hand, knew this wasn’t the way it was meant to be. And slowly, the idea of adoption that was lying dormant for so long, began to reemerge.
I approached my husband with the idea and reluctantly he agreed. Now the real decisions needed made. Should we adopt internationally or domestically? Is open adoption for us? Which agency should we chose? We talked to different families who had adopted. We asked questions and made sure we got answers. We began calling around to different adoption agencies. Little by little our knowledge of adoption grew and we began to educate ourselves on the process and force ourselves to make some difficult decisions regarding our future as parents.
I made the decision for us. We were going to adopt an infant, as young as possible, from Kyrgyzstan. My husband was very slow to come around, but agreed to the plan we had orchestrated.
Parents who chose to adopt base their decision on so many different factors. Everyone has their own reasons for adopting children. And while I would love to be able to say that our reason was simply because we are good humanitarians…that is not necessarily the case. Our plan for adoption was born out of infertility. And even though my body went through a fertility hell of 18 cycles of disappointment, 2 pregnancies, 2 miscarriages, 2 surgeries and 1 lost fallopian tube before we were able to reach our decision…I would go through it all again in a heartbeat just to know the sweet little boy who became my son, and I now know my husband feels the same.
Relinquishment, surrender, placement … all are respectful and usable terms for a birth mother choosing adoption for her child, and no matter what it’s called it is extremely difficult and lifelong, not a one-time event.
There are as many reasons for a birth mother to choose adoption as there are birth mothers who do, so any assumptions made about either the decision or the person making the decision are bound to be wrong much more often than anywhere near the mark.
Although youth and poverty are commonly thought of as indicators of the likelihood the adoption option will be taken, neither or both demand this be the case. Many young women, even those of limited means, choose to parent and do it well.
Unmarried status used to indicate insurmountable hurdles, so much so that in other times and cultures suicide was often the solution with the fewest negatives. Thankfully, now single parenting is not only acceptable, but to some it’s preferable. There are, however, unmarried women who find the thought of raising a child without benefit of a partner overwhelming.
While some women know long before they miss their first period that motherhood is not for them, most considering placement deliberate for the term of the pregnancy and beyond before a final determination is made. Verdicts can be overturned daily, even hourly, and assessments of the future, long and short, can vary.
When faced with the reality of a crisis pregnancy a woman is likely to note options that amount to difficult parenting, at best, in one direction, grief and loss in another, with the possibility of illusive contentment somewhere indefinable. ‘What ifs’ litter the ground, and for all anyone knows there is a minefield to negotiate on any of the paths.
Because a pregnancy has a timely course to run, decisions have to be made in a timely fashion, as procrastination does nothing but increase the pressing need to make a plan for the little person planning an entry.
The pressing need to plan should not translate into acquiescing to pressure, however, or to others taking advantage of a vulnerable position. Coercion does exist in infant adoption, and the damage it causes is tremendous, not only to women who place against their better judgement or wishes of the heart, but also to the children who are bound to learn the circumstances of their adoption and the adoptive parents who may have been either party to or beneficiaries of coercive practices.
The decision to relinquish a child should come from women who have carefully studied adoption and who understand exactly what the process means both short and long term. They need to understand that losing a child to adoption is a loss they will feel for the rest of their lives, one that cannot be reversed nor forgotten, but that must be faced year after year. Only through certain knowledge that they can not or choose not to or will not parent well and a fully informed decision to place can all parties to the adoption be at easy with the choice and within the relationships that develop.
Potential adoptive parents may be reluctant to question an expectant woman as to her motivation for relinquishment, feeling it too personal an agenda and none of their business, but for the good of all, and on behalf of the child they hope will be theirs, it is their duty to ensure that relinquishment results from honest and ethical practice in a fully informed climate where the mother can express and explain, to herself and others, a good reason to place.
Photo Credit: Library of Congress
Posted on February 18th, 2008 in
Domestic Adoption | Author:
sandra |
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Any simple trail of thought would lead to an understanding that a child who came to a family through adoption would have no reason to look anything like its parents, but unless you sell signage space on foreheads and plaster your choice to adopt across them it may dawn slowly on some that your kids aren’t homemade.
People often seem compelled to stare into the face of a child and pinpoint something familiar there, even if they’re meeting up with a clan for the very first time. Take some little redhead and surround her with a bunch of brunettes and you are bound to run into someone somewhere making a comment about “throwbacks” … or the postman.
Imagine that same circumstance when Mom and Dad are of typical Anglo-Saxon decent and their child’s roots are very obviously somewhere deep in African or Asian soil.
It is certainly not your duty as an adoptive parent to educate every yahoo you come into contact with, but you must be aware that your child, when old enough, will be listening to these interactions and absorbing not only your words, but every nuance and undertone as well.
Your child’s adoption is a fact of life and should be a source of pride along with the acceptance of the circumstances that brought your family together, so there is a danger in appearing to ignore the reality.
The reasons behind a family’s adoption decisions are as varied as are the families that adopt, and one in a long list of those needing to be made is some variation of: What will our child look like?
Some opt for what is called “invisible adoption”. This doesn’t mean some strange human version of the invisible dog … a family pushing what appears to be an empty stroller or a diaper toddling around apparently on its own … but rather adopting a child of the same race, with possible consideration to matching physical characteristics of the biological parents with those of the adoptive parents.
In former times when secrecy surrounded adoption and shadows of shame were drawn over the picture of the family built through this fashion, having a child that “fit in” was considered an advantage, a way to make it less likely that the truth would come out.
These days, “invisible adoption” may actually present more issues, rather than fewer, in that a tendency to ignore or forget the part of a child’s history, to play “let’s pretend”, can be stronger when physical reminders of origins are too subtle to notice.
It is not necessary, nor is it helpful, to ignore biological influences and doing so can only serve to imply that coming to the family through adoption is not as good a method of entry as biologically producing, a thought that may eventually grow into the idea for your child that he is not as good as a homemade boy.
By acknowledging the genetic role birth parents play, you allow your child to accept and understand himself. His birth parent contributions are what make him him at the cellular level, and it is important that he learns to value the parts of him that came from them.
Your child’s adoption is not an embarrassing episode that should be left out of conversations. Whether he looks it or not, it was the miracle of adoption that brought him into your world, and that’s a cause for celebration and pride.
Photo Credit
Posted on February 13th, 2008 in
Adoptive Families | Author:
sandra |
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